THE LOVE OF A MAN.

If I died today, I will die with love in my heart;the love of a man. In this life time I surely count myself lucky to have had such a beautiful family that to me is the true definition of love. I have grown up with one of the greatest siblings and cousins that to me I count them all my greatest blessing on this earth but above it all, I found love of a man.

I am super sentimental and because of that I just naturally am helpless romantic. My story to finding love isn’t that great but when I found it, it felt right because I also found another love, self love. The first time I thought I had found love was nothing but the fact that I was in love with the idea of loving that man. I totally neglected myself and focused all my energy to him expressing my whole self to him and hoping everyday that he would notice just how much I felt for him and reciprocate it back. At that time I was okay with the fact that I had love, I loved someone, until I met someone that loved me.

I’m sorry to say this but if I am asked to choose between loving someone and being loved, I will choose being loved without second guessing. I say this because I have been on both sides of the coin and the latter is just amazing.

I met this guy at a friend’s party hehe. We were all drunk and trying to have a good time exept for him who was sobber as the day. Just by looking at him, I fell in love. It was love at first sight. I fell in love with his height(absurd I know), then his hair was just in someway so neat and made him look attractive in a way I can not explain. Then his spirit was just so free and for a moment, I envied this guy. He looked like he had no problems at all in his life and he was living his best. Well, I fell in love that night.

Sad thing is that he was those type of guys you fall for but love them from a distance because they can never be with you. Some of you can relate to this. I loved him from a distance. Until we met again in a club…. I know what you thinking hahaha….and I was so high and courageous I do not know where from. We had sat on the same table because we had mutual friends and so we decided to have fun all together. Believe you me, I stood up from my chair and walked to him, he had sat opposite me and I grabbed him by the collar and profffesed my love to him. I told him he was a Coward to miss a girl like me because of some stupid status the society created blah blah. Trust me by the end of all the drama, I won over the guy. He was mine!

Fast forward, we linked up and decided to give it a try and this year May 5th 2020 will be our third anniversary 🎉🎉. He is the best thing life has blessed me with. In these three years, he has seen the best and the worst of me and held me through it all. It has not been easy but my fairy tale came true, I found the other half that completes me. I now look forward to settling and traveling the world together. The feeling he has given me is not comparable or replaceable. What makes it right to love him is the fact that he made sure before I loved him, I learnt to love myself first which is the most amazing thing anyone has ever made me.

DEATH WHY?

Why
Why don’t you ever
Get enough huh?
Why do you keep taking them
Those that we love
Those we look up to
Why?

Why
Why do you hurt
Hurt so much.
It’s been five months
Since I lost my dad
My hero,a family man
A man of the nation.
But it still pains
Like it was yesterday.

Why,
The same month you took Bob
A great business man,
We looked up to him.
Also a family man,
A visionary.
Why,

Why,
You took Laboso,
A great woman,
A symbol that women can be great
That we can just as well
Do what men can do.
Why,

Why,
I haven’t healed yet,
And a boy I used to know
Is taken
Again by you.
Why?

Why
Why is it that you this unfair?
Today a girl I used to know
Has been taken ,again by you.
Why,why,why,why,why
I can’t stop asking.

Why
Why you so mean?
The boy and the girl
Were at their prime
Finally getting to figure out life
Yet you still took them anyway.
Why,why

My heart is pained,
I’m sad,
I’m mad,
I’m enraged,

I wish I could meet you death,
So that I would kill you
And bring them all back
We miss them everyday
And remember them everyday

Death why?
Why?
Why?
I’m crying why?

4MONTHS.

IMG_20190901_140528_214
Today,I woke up thinking about you,
No coincidence because it is
A new month today.

Four months down the line
I prayed to God to bless my new year
Because I was turning 21.
Sweet 21.
But he took you instead.

Four months down the line
And I still cry to God
Why did He have to take you
You of all the people,
I sometimes still question him

Four months down the line
And your sun is still set.
We sometimes hope to see you
Walk back home and say it was all a bad dream.
But no,
We are forced to embrace the scars.

Four months down the line
Four papa!
Four!

I have missed you every single day
Since then,
I have been well sometimes
But some days like today,
I have felt my heart crush
And my soul lost,
I have been stuck
In some empty hallway
I can’t seem to get out of
Four months!

Four months
Of wishing you would
Still be here to see me win
Win for us dad,

Forever you live in my heart
Forever missed
Forever cherished
I love you papa!

ALPHA FEMALE.

*Gemini* is my horoscope if it hasn’t changed as I saw somewhere. I would really get mad because my star is just me. Interesting enough,today I came across an article that told of who women are according to their horoscopes. I am a creative thinker as per mine.
You know what this means,my ideas can change the world. I thought my dreams were fading away but today my horoscope showed me another side of me,a weapon,that I for the power to bring to life my ideas.
I count myself *an alpha female*. If you are the type to dominate a man’s world then you also are like me because it takes a certain grace,strength, intelligence, fearlessness and the nerve to never take no for an answer.
When a woman discovers she is strong, she becomes *fierce* and then full of fire. At such point, she becomes *unstoppable*. With this package comes independence. At this point also,her passion grows and becomes bigger than her fears. An *independent* woman is a *dangerous *woman.She is fearless.
Strength is a woman;she doesn’t lift weights to be strong but in a world where she’s been looked down upon for a long time,she has picked herself up over and over again through it all. In a world where she’s sensitive and sentimental, she has always collected her pieces back together and moved on.
Recently I went through a phase I thought I will never come out of it alive. Like not literally dead but dead inside because of numb emotions just to escape pain a d hurt. I so wished so many at times that I was a vampire so that I could just switch my humanity switch off and feel nothing.
To say the truth,I have been strong through my loss because the woman who raised me(my mama),is the strongest woman I have ever met. Despite our loss,she went on to tell us not to allow pain and sadness take away our happy days. I know deep down she’s so broken but because of her big motherly heart she wears a brave face for her children and wants us happy.
To top everything up,a *prayerful woman* is a *powerful woman*. *She who kneels before God can stand before anyone.*

NEW BEGINNINGS.

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished and your whole world is falling apart,nothing is working out for you anymore and you feel like the universe is throwing all odds at you,well that is the time for you to rise and embrace a new beginning.
Loosing my dad has been the peak of my sorrows and fears. He was a kidney failure patient but i just didn’t expect his demise this soon. With this experience came great denial,depression,withdrawal too,life stopped making sense. The pain is just too real you know.With so many days of self pity,endless crying,non stop whys,trying to adjust to the new life ,I at some point realized I can not change the past nor forget the loss but the future is still young and my father would have been proud and happy to see us grow past life. I decided to explore what life will throw my way and live a life I will remember.

Well,change can be scary,but you know what’s more scarier?,allowing fear to stop you from growing,evolving and progressing.I write this article today because i choose to face my fear and suddenly i know it’s time to start something new and trust the process of new beginnings.It is time for a new chapter!
The painful part about starting over is having to acknowledge acceptance of some chapters in our stories in order to move on.Some things are beyond us to change but that does not mean we forget or lock them away,they are special in a way that we remember them forever. We just have to learn how to live without our missing pieces.
I want so badly to say i love knowing what butterflies feel like again but i would be lying because to me finding someone who shares your definition of love is more satisfying and sweet.
From my point of view,we are never ready to begin a new but that push is all we need to go on and start. Closed doors will always lead to open ones. What’s ironic about life is that sometimes we know what we are supposed to do but find it hard to actually do it.
Be open to the magic that new beginning brings and be flexible to start a fresh keeping in mind God will open other doors for us when they close. As a believer take the first step and by faith the rest will fall in place.

FAULT IN OUR STARS.

Just look. So peacefully resting and I wonder; is he okay? is he at peace? does he feel pain? was he ready to go?

Staring brings tears to my eyes and I never tire watching. My memory keeps on going back to the very moment I was told he’s gone. How? Why? When? Why him? Why me? Why us?

The news came with some kind of pain I have never felt in this world. The hurt was a little bit too real. Felt like the universe was unleashing its long stored anger on me. So many things didn’t add up. I saw him lay resting but even though I was watching my head and heart had refused to register the fact before me. I was ready to go down the denial road even if it meant my life going with it. Besides, what was there to loose anyway? It felt like my life was over after all.

He was funny without trying. His love was so pure. I loved him so did he. I was lucky to be his. In this life you don’t get to choose if you get hurt or not and truly,I never made that choice but I was hurt anyway.

In this life I loved him and will love him the same in another life. I promise to find him on the other side when I’m gone and I will never let go. I miss him when the sun rises so beautifully in the morning and when the stars light up the sky in the night.

You have no idea how bad bad it gets when you all alone. You keep so much to yourself because its difficult to find people to understand. It is sad that the one man who fell in love with my soul even before I touched his skin is gone. I think to myself how I wish God did not need him in heaven because I still need him here.

Flashbacks of how he constantly reminded me he loved me makes my heart ache more and more. His death broke me into two;the side that went with him and will never heal and the side left to make amends with the ways of this world.

The silent tears that come when I think of him come with pain no one will ever know because the fault in our stars is that we never did the things we were supposed to in this lifetime together.

SK.

PSYCHO FOR EMOTIONS.

Call me emotional,

But at least I’m not a robot.

I welcome you to the generation

Where people ,

no longer want to be identified

With feelings or emotions.

Where people do not want to admit

To hurt,love,pain,etcetera .

Where feeling is a crime

Not by law but society.

Society we created ourselves.

Welcome to my generation where,

Everyone wants to be termed strong

Emotionally, physically,

Spiritually, mentally

But where the truth is ;

We are not strong enough

Because still we are humans.

Welcome to my generation where,

We hide behind fake smiles

And false relationships

Where everyone is so judgmental

Where admitting to hurt

Is being weak

Where loyalty is now valued

More than love in relationships

That’s my generation.

So call me psycho for emotions

But at least in a generation

This robotic,

I still feel.

SK

I CRY FOR KENYA.

So I take my remote and switch in between television channels and all I see is terror,I see cars in flames, I see pain from the victims and their loved ones,I see fear in eyes of Kenyans and fright in their voices,I see arms and guns and men dressed in uniform in the rescue,I see what a bomb blast can result to……. all I see is tears. I cry for Kenya!

I hate getting flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember because in them we got pieces of our hearts. Similarly, on this particular day our nation’s memories of the year 2013 West gate’s incident were sneaking out of our eyes and rolling down our cheeks because the Dusit situation currently took us back there.

Once again as a country we are united by grief and terrorism. We are afraid for ourselves and the victims. I cry for Kenya!

Families are grieving,a lot of questions asked to God, it’s just all too much to take in. Despite it all we have seen selfless heroes who have given it their all to save those trapped in the building. May God continue to protect them so they serve this country brave and selflessly because each other is all we got.

Someone asked where God is when all this is happening but sometime back I learnt that God will always be there as long as there’s evil…and when the time is right He will restore us.

To my fellow Kenyans, my country men,let’s keep the fight pray for our country and stand by it. I stand with those who have lost loved ones and to them I send the message that all never goes in vain. We will move on!..

LONG -AGO.

Deep down I knew it was just a wish but still,I went down on my knees and could not even look up to God because my prayer to Him was a cry.

With my head bowed and knees on the cold floor of my house,I went on to pray but words never came and I felt my mouth numb,so my eyes spoke for me.

Each tear held masses of wishes and all I wanted from God was for Him to bless my desire as it was in my heart. Just as I had envisioned it.

Right then I knew that if I opened my teary eyes,the reality would not have matched up to what I was asking God on my knees. ..but faith led me on,to speak the almost unspoken of any child to his father.

But given the strong purpose in my heart ,I still went on to ask because I believed in my purpose and I had assurance that the same God who paved way for the Israelites in the red Sea would certainly pave way for me in my “Pacific ocean”. I was weak but as said a man is only as strong as his faith. I held on to the faith.

I didn’t expect a miracle then,all I wanted was God to guide my way and set the path right because the vision He had put inside me was greater than my world.

I asked God to listen to me and answer me and as though He was there listening I heard a voice telling me ” It will be well my child” and for sure I knew it would because He never fails. And with that I opened my eyes again ,later a day.

UNFORGIVING ANGER.

We go around having damaged emotions because we have been hurt,betrayed, rejected and lied to. Promises made to us have been broken not once,not twice,not thrice but severally and end up carrying with us this anger for the universe.

We tend to hold on to bitterness that take away our peace and keep the pain in our hearts alive. What we fail to see is that our hearts need to breathe and we can only achieve that by forgiving.

The rejections and betrayals are sometimes too much that they even define us,they take over who we are. I would wish that as humans when we face such,we turn that rejection and use it to find direction. we just can not allow it to eat us away.

Most important thing to do is to embrace forgiveness and reconciliation. we need to reconcile with our inner selves and greatest of all learn to forgive ourselves too because the forgiveness is not for others but for you. It is for you because you get peace.